IS THIS GUY MAN ENOUGH TO WEAR PINK?

This week Kohl's Department Stores is gearing up for the influx of fall clothing by filling racks with leftover summer clothes all marked 80% off.

After parusing the racks, I had an armful of possibilities...including this pink shirt (pictured above).

My wife was against the idea from the beginning, and I half expected that. But my daughter's reaction really threw me for a loop. "No way dad," she gasped. "I can't look."

Is it THAT bad? Why can all the cool shaggy-haired high school bucks wear pink every day of the week and my wife and daughter wouldn't be seen dead with me in a shirt like this? What gives?

My conclusion is that, for guys, wearing pink is a statement of masculinity. The more manly his appearance, the safer it is for him to don the most girly color there is. It's kind of like Superman wearing a shirt made of kryptonite.

Being 5'8" tall and just under 150 lbs, I'm not tall enough (at least 5'10") or thick enough to chance it.

Oh, well. Racy reds and bold blues will have to do!

JQ 99 : The Office You may have heard about the summer contest that NBC is using to promote their hit show "The Office." They want you to produce a promo for the show that features video from your office. At JQ 99, we're taking this concept a step further, by producing our own tribute series to be seen on YouTube.com. (I can't take credit for coming up with the idea myself, it was initiated by the iMac gang in our office who is probably just looking for ways to rub our noses in the fact that most of us are still using PC's.) Anyway, the "producers" (aka. iMac gang) have heard that I have an ability to write and want me to pen the first episode. As you read this, you may already be thinking of the people in your office - Who's your Dwight Shroot? Who's your Michael (the boss)? Who's your Jim - the office hearthrob? Where do you fit in? Here's the way I see it breaking down at JQ 99 MANDY - A combination of Merideth, the weathered mom who's doing her best for the family she dearly loves - and Pam, the receptionist who somehow gets the dirt on everyone in the office. Mandy knows everything there is to know about running the JQ office and the personal lives of those who work there. But none of it really means that much to her compared to the value she has placed in her kids and family. BRIAN (me) - I'm part Dwight Shroot, part Angela Martin. Like Dwight, I'm upwardly mobile and can easily be swayed to support the bosses if they have a decent argument....the bosses call those people "team players." Like Angela, I can occaisionally be abrasive and judgemental holding other to the high standard of outward holiness I have for myself. CECI LaBARGE - TROY WEST - Kevin Malone, the dry-humored, fun-lovin paper accountant who has a surprisingly exciting personal life. Like Kevin, Troy isn't always going to be the life of the party, but when he speaks it's quality material! He does a good job, but lives for his true passions which are away from work. MARTHA HADLEY - JEREMY HENRY - Ryan Howard, the single office temp whom everyone is trying to set-up for romance. Jeremy is the only unmarried person in the office and is relatively new to the staff. In some ways, he's still low man on the totum pole, but he's very non-offensive and everyone likes him. JASON CRANER (news) - Toby the Human Resources director whose analytical and critical mind always seems to find a way to confound those in command. Like Toby, Jason's very well liked by his co-workers. He's not a problem to his superiors, but rather a voice of reason to those who need to consider all angles before making decisions.

It's A Jungle Out There, I Mean Next Door

My neighbor hasn't mowed his lawn in three weeks! Above: indisputable visual evidence documenting the jungle perimeter at the property line.

These are the only neighbors we never have contact with...ever. They're almost always inside the house with window shades drawn. They have a daughter (I don't know her name) who must be two and a half. I remember when she was born, and was amazed at how much she'd grown when I caught a glimse of her last week. She never plays outside.

I'd really like to get to know these people. They seem nice. But how do you get to know someone whose face sees the light of day soully on trips from the car door to the front door?

I'd offer to mow his overgrown lawn for him, the same way I snowblow his driveway. But considering the degree of growth, I'm afraid my simple bagging mower wouldn't do the job. Maybe the local John Deere dealer will let me borrow a combine or hay bailer.

GAS STATION MAYHEM ON US -31 When I got out of work Monday I could hardly believe how far gas prices had jumped while I was at work! - - - up to near $3.20/gal. in most places! HURT ME! This was the scene shortly after 5pm at the Admiral station on US-31 between Holland and Grand Haven. You can barely see it, but the price on the sign in the background says $3.01....20 cents lower than nearly every other gas station! What you don't see is all the cars just out of the picture that were veering off the highway or turning around to get gas at the bargain rate of $3.01/gal! What a deal! This station has 8 pumps that were all stacked 3 cars deep. JESUS! COME BACK SOON!

C'mon Dad, trade me! Pictured: My 4yr old son Brody offering me a trade. He said Elmo could sleep in my bed in exchange for my letting Mommy sleep on his trundel. I thought about it. "Hmm," I mused. "Elmo doesn't have to fall asleep with the TV on. You've got a deal son!" Unfortunately, Mommy has the power of veto.

RELAX! I'm In Complete Control.

Why doesn't anyone have faith in my ability to protect my kids? Why do they doubt?

Maybe it has something to do with the so-called "chances" I take concerning my kids' safety.

Yesterday, while spending the afternoon with my parents, my mom insisted we all take a bike ride. Problem was, there weren't enough bikes for everyone...namely the kids. So, I told my mom that my 4yr old Brody could just ride on my back. (A maneuver we'd previously rehearsed while returning DVD's to Family Video).

Instantly, my mom protested: "Are you sure? He could hurt himself! I don't want him to fall." None of the three other adult guys in the group (including my dad) protested.

Admitedly, I felt a little like Dustin Hofman in Rainman as I assured her, "I'm a very good biker mom. Yeah, definitely. Good biker."

Brody, by the way, was all about riding on my back. The more my mom lauded the danger factor, the more he wanted to give it a try.

Despite my mom's certainty that this bicycle trip would result in an emergency room visit, Brody mounted on my back and we rode away. Several miles and about an hour later, we returned to the van safe and sound. Nare a scratch on my boy's head!

But when reports of my risky behaviour surfaced back at the ranch, my brother's wife expressed her concern. Thankfully, my lovely wife stood by her man and testified that letting your toddler piggy back a mountain biker really wasn't that dangerous.

Dads taking non-life threatening chances like this is why kids generally look to dad for fun. Consequently, they also look to mom for comfort when such fun results in injury.

I guess you can't have it all!

DANGER!

It's the weekend, and your wife wants you to decide what you're doing tonight.

Remember when Loverboy sang "Everybody's Working For The Weekend?" In the 80's I wasn't smart enough to figure out that the boys in the band loved the weekend because the world loved them on the weekends. Life litterally rocked as they enjoyed three nights of screaming fans chanting their names, singing their songs, and demanding encores. That's rock-n-roll. Life's a piece of cake when you can do nothing wrong. That's not the life of the average guy.

Today is Friday, and I know what my lovely and talented stay at home wife (Tracie) is going to ask me after work: "What do you want to do tonight?"

That question sends chills down many an average man's spine each Friday night. Sure, it seems harmless enough. But if I've learned anything over the past 10 years of marital bliss, I've learned that things aren't always what they seem.

She says "what do you want to do." What she means is, "tell me what I want to do." What am I, a gypsy fortune teller? Even the great Swami himself, Johnny Carson couldn't figure that out!

Still, I'm compelled to answer: "How 'bout we go to Craig's Cruisers and ride the go-carts." Enh, wrong answer.

"The go-carts are for you," she fires back. "I don't want to get all that dust in my eyes, and I could care less if I win or lose."

"Well you asked me what I wanted to do," I quip.

"I want you to be my knight in shining armor," she chirps, "Treat me like a princess."

"So you want to go to the Rennessaince faire?"

Nothing even remotely fun happens after that.

I've learned that love, and especially marriage, is hard work. I may have to consider, long before I walk throught the door late Friday afternoon, what my lovely bride may enjoy doing tonight.

Having three or four possibilities in mind by the end of the workday will tell her "I've been looking forward to tonight so much I've taken time out of my busy day just for you." It's then she becomes your princess.

With any luck, she'll reward your thoughfulness by suggesting you return to the castle early.

Take a little time to think ahead each weekend, and in no-time you'll be as happy as a rock star!

I'm sitting at the controls of the JQ 99 studio

during a morning show.

Mandy must have been late again that day.

DAD NEVER SAID HE LOVED ME, AND NOW I KNOW WHY Last night as I said goodnight to my 4yr old boy, as usual, he gave me a big bear hug and a kiss on the lips. As he closed his eyes and we went nose to nose, I began to understand why my dad, another average guy, was uncomfortable with the idea of male affection. Someone once said: "when you kiss someone, you're kissing everyone they've kissed." When I was in High School, that didn't seem as disgusting as it is now. I've seen my son kiss my wife's dad on the lips! Did I kiss him? Nice, guy...but he's a GUY!!!! Average guys find less ambiguous ways of expressing affection. To most thinking people, this "edited for guy-ness" form of affection may more closely resemble abuse. I'm sure the game of Slug Bug was invented on a school bus as two best friends and future average guys shared a back seat ride to class. Spotting a Volkswagen, quickly became reason enough to celebrate their bond of friendship with a charlie-horse punch to the shoulder. All day, each boy fondly remembered his pal whenever his shoulder ached. It's a beautiful thing. So what if my dad didn't often say he loved me. He did give me a few charlie-horses over the years...and deep down I know what he was saying. Of course, I'm joking. I actually LOVE giving my kids the affection they need and deserve. Someday, when Brody nears his teen years, I'll need to back down a tad. But for now, I'm going to hold on to the hugs and kisses!

Most averge guys never want to admit that they're flawed and might need therapy. We hate the idea of there being something wrong with us. Understanding the male ego explains nearly all Average Guy behaviour. Example: You get together with your "couple friends" and while the girls gather around the kitchen island sharing the intimate details of their menstral cycles (ew!), your husband and those of your friends are silently circled around the BBQ grill watching smoke. Average guys are not terribly interested in bonding with other men because we secretly fear having to reveal our flaws to eachother. Not to mention the terror of being labeled a "homo." So we come up with ways to distance ourselves from eachother...which only aggrivates the problem. Here are some of the ways we avoid potentially ego-busting situations: trash talk, don't go to the doctor's office, don't ask for directions, make fun of another man's mom, avoid shopping for clothes, read the paper on the toilet (it's our only spare time), watch mindlessly violent movies, don't *ever* look to the side at urinals, lift weights, don't actually shower at the Aquatic Center, etc. (you could probably add a few). Ladies, you want to help your man be a man? Guard the fragility of his ego and praise him like he's a king! Make him believe he's smart, studly, and sensitive. You'll be surprised at how much he opens up to you! At the core, I think guys really *do* want to be intimate....we just have to know it's safe.